Dying inside
Today I had rehearsal, as usual. It was good. Nobody was shouting at me, and I was dancing, and I was having fun. I was happy. But towards the end, I was starting to feel miserable. I went home, had mayo on toast for dinner (I know! Disgusting, right??) and I refused to go up to my room. And then I thought "Hey! I have a bus pass!!!" So I went outside, went to the bus stop, and hopped on the first bus I saw. I first stopped at Marble Arch, walked into Edgware Road, took another bus to Sussex Gardens, and then another to Paddington, went to Budgens to buy a prwn and mayo sandwich, took another bus to Bayswater, walked to Bayswater Road while eating the sandwich and took another bus back to Marble Arch, and another one to Russel Square, and walked home.
WHY am I feeling like shit? Simple. I am tired. I am tired of having feelings that I'm not supposed to be having, tired of having to conceal these feelings, tired of tellling myself it's all gonna be OK, tired of lying to myself, tired of lying to everyone, tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I feel trapped. I need to free myself, but I just can't society won't allow me to. So I stay trapped, and now I'm sinking deeper and deeper. I'm dying inside. I wish I could scream and tell the world how I feel. But it's just not possible. I need to be free. I need to be alive. I hate hating myself for being miserable all the time. I hate not being able to let go. I hate going back to the things that I need to walk away from.
But it's still the same. I am still trapped. I'm still someone I don't even know......
WHY am I feeling like shit? Simple. I am tired. I am tired of having feelings that I'm not supposed to be having, tired of having to conceal these feelings, tired of tellling myself it's all gonna be OK, tired of lying to myself, tired of lying to everyone, tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I feel trapped. I need to free myself, but I just can't society won't allow me to. So I stay trapped, and now I'm sinking deeper and deeper. I'm dying inside. I wish I could scream and tell the world how I feel. But it's just not possible. I need to be free. I need to be alive. I hate hating myself for being miserable all the time. I hate not being able to let go. I hate going back to the things that I need to walk away from.
But it's still the same. I am still trapped. I'm still someone I don't even know......
Post a Comment